maybe if you stare at this long enough you can transport yourself to better weather! :)
Monday, October 29, 2012
Frankenstorm?
sending peace, love, and dry wishes to my friends on the east coast as they battle Hurricane Sandy!
maybe if you stare at this long enough you can transport yourself to better weather! :)
maybe if you stare at this long enough you can transport yourself to better weather! :)
vital information for your everday life
it's so easy to complain about anything. but nothing will ever get accomplished if you don't do it yourself. although this is easier said than done, you will be amazed at how changing something small can in turn change into something big.
the neverending battle
It has been a few months shy of four years since my blood clot & pulmonary ebmbolism chapter began, but i don't know if i can ever accept that it is a chapter that will never have an ending. it could have had an ending: death. Fortunately my time on this planet was obviously not up.
here i am today and through the eyes of a doctor, i am considered "healed". and by healed i mean there are no more blood clots in my leg or lungs, nor is there an immediate threat to make anyone believe they will return. well, medical degree or not, you can tell me 9 million times a day, make me write it on a chalkboard, or tattoo it across my face for me to read in the mirror every morning, and that still would not make one bit of difference for me.
the thoughts still come. the panic still comes. compression stockings to wear. the reminders are there daily. so why is it that the smallest abnormal pain in my leg (or could be anywhere) sends my anxiety into overload and the thoughts and fears return fresh as though the whole ordeal happened yesterday. a normal person doesn't go to bed at night with the last thought being something along the lines of "what may happen overnight" or "will i wake up tomorrow?". While most of the time these thoughts are just in passing, sometimes they are legitimately out of fear.
For almost two weeks now, my right leg (which i refer to as my "good leg" meaning the one not affected by clots previously) has been hurting in different places. Mostly above and around my ankle. and no, i have not done anything to injur it. The aching seems to wander sometimes from my ankle through my calf and sometimes there is an aching in my hip. My calf and ankle are the worst. And after two straight days, panic started to set in. As someone who has had my fare share of sports injuries through the years, "normal megan" wouldn't think twice about these aches. but "anxiety megan" doesn't really leave room for discussion.
I literally am causing myself to almost hallucinate that my calf and or ankle is swelling abnormally and freak out. even if i am staring at it and know it is not, i will literally check it every five minutes just to make sure. Almost OCD like. In fact, i don't know if it is even possible, but i almost feel like i have adapted OCD tendencies over these past few years. The worst is if i have to do things that actually do affect my leg. (i.e. anything involving lots of walking,standing,running,driving,dancing, etc.) i *know* my left leg is supposed to swell a little and always will, but i seriously am imagining that my right leg is swelling as well! its getting ridiculous!
these aches are honestly probably nothing more than all my old injuries catching up to me and is probably being caused by the weather changes lately. there is no swelling. no bruises. no cuts. nothing. yet panic sets in regardless. and when i say panic, i don't mean like a flash or a wave of emotion that comes and goes. i'm talking breathing stops, chest tightens, physical pain in my chest and ribs, and depending on the day sometimes a headache. it comes on in an instant and requires immediate attention. Most of the time i am in situations where handling it is no problem. i just have to allow myself to breathe and take a couple of pills and wait for them to kick in. i've gotten so used to it that usually i can handle the instant "whoosh", as i call it, and sometimes fight through it for a little while and take some medicine when i can. But sometimes its so prevalent that it is extremely hard to ignore!
"it gets better with time" is one of my most hated sayings. because it's not true. it doesn't get better, it just becomes another normalcy of your day to day life and you deal with it. some days are worse than others. one of the hardest parts is not having anyone that really understands.. "oh i've had a panic attack before so I understand".. no offense, but no you don't. your whole perspective on life changes when something like this happens to a person. i guess that would be why it is called "post traumatic stress disorder". No one warned me that the "post traumatic" part can last a lot longer (YEARS longer) than the days/weeks/months immediately following your incident. sigh..
i have always been a believer of "everything happens for a reason". i guess this happened to me for a reason, i just hope that one day i find out what it is. Maybe it was just a test of personal strength to show myself that i am stronger than i was giving myself credit for.. Who knows.. I just know it is a sucky situation dealing with this anxiety and i have serious respect for others who also have to endure something similar.
Until then,
megan
here i am today and through the eyes of a doctor, i am considered "healed". and by healed i mean there are no more blood clots in my leg or lungs, nor is there an immediate threat to make anyone believe they will return. well, medical degree or not, you can tell me 9 million times a day, make me write it on a chalkboard, or tattoo it across my face for me to read in the mirror every morning, and that still would not make one bit of difference for me.
the thoughts still come. the panic still comes. compression stockings to wear. the reminders are there daily. so why is it that the smallest abnormal pain in my leg (or could be anywhere) sends my anxiety into overload and the thoughts and fears return fresh as though the whole ordeal happened yesterday. a normal person doesn't go to bed at night with the last thought being something along the lines of "what may happen overnight" or "will i wake up tomorrow?". While most of the time these thoughts are just in passing, sometimes they are legitimately out of fear.
For almost two weeks now, my right leg (which i refer to as my "good leg" meaning the one not affected by clots previously) has been hurting in different places. Mostly above and around my ankle. and no, i have not done anything to injur it. The aching seems to wander sometimes from my ankle through my calf and sometimes there is an aching in my hip. My calf and ankle are the worst. And after two straight days, panic started to set in. As someone who has had my fare share of sports injuries through the years, "normal megan" wouldn't think twice about these aches. but "anxiety megan" doesn't really leave room for discussion.
I literally am causing myself to almost hallucinate that my calf and or ankle is swelling abnormally and freak out. even if i am staring at it and know it is not, i will literally check it every five minutes just to make sure. Almost OCD like. In fact, i don't know if it is even possible, but i almost feel like i have adapted OCD tendencies over these past few years. The worst is if i have to do things that actually do affect my leg. (i.e. anything involving lots of walking,standing,running,driving,dancing, etc.) i *know* my left leg is supposed to swell a little and always will, but i seriously am imagining that my right leg is swelling as well! its getting ridiculous!
these aches are honestly probably nothing more than all my old injuries catching up to me and is probably being caused by the weather changes lately. there is no swelling. no bruises. no cuts. nothing. yet panic sets in regardless. and when i say panic, i don't mean like a flash or a wave of emotion that comes and goes. i'm talking breathing stops, chest tightens, physical pain in my chest and ribs, and depending on the day sometimes a headache. it comes on in an instant and requires immediate attention. Most of the time i am in situations where handling it is no problem. i just have to allow myself to breathe and take a couple of pills and wait for them to kick in. i've gotten so used to it that usually i can handle the instant "whoosh", as i call it, and sometimes fight through it for a little while and take some medicine when i can. But sometimes its so prevalent that it is extremely hard to ignore!
"it gets better with time" is one of my most hated sayings. because it's not true. it doesn't get better, it just becomes another normalcy of your day to day life and you deal with it. some days are worse than others. one of the hardest parts is not having anyone that really understands.. "oh i've had a panic attack before so I understand".. no offense, but no you don't. your whole perspective on life changes when something like this happens to a person. i guess that would be why it is called "post traumatic stress disorder". No one warned me that the "post traumatic" part can last a lot longer (YEARS longer) than the days/weeks/months immediately following your incident. sigh..
i have always been a believer of "everything happens for a reason". i guess this happened to me for a reason, i just hope that one day i find out what it is. Maybe it was just a test of personal strength to show myself that i am stronger than i was giving myself credit for.. Who knows.. I just know it is a sucky situation dealing with this anxiety and i have serious respect for others who also have to endure something similar.
Until then,
megan
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Tempter Tantrum Time!
i am so 100% absolutely done with the disrespect in this building where i work. it's impossible to hold a conversation with someone without being interrupted. and once the interruption happens, well, you can just go ahead and move on because that person is NOT coming back to the conversation. it's just absolutely ridiculous.
anyone who knows my family knows that it is absolutely no secret that my younger sister is favored for anything 9 times out of 10. I honestly think that if i did not work in the same building as my mother that i would never talk to her. hell, we work in the office next to each other and i am rarely able to talk to her. she never has time to talk to me, but will drop e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. the minute my sister or her husband calls. its absolutely ridiculous, not to mention the fact that its so heartbreaking. i've tried to tell me mother one story for over three weeks now. three weeks. but any time i try i'm either interrupted, or she's too busy. now, trying to call her at home.. that's even worse. you might as well call the white house and ask for the president because you will have a better chance at holding his attention.
i think this plays part in why i never want to talk about things. all of the time i just get blown off like whatever i am saying just doesn't matter. it's been that way for a looooong time. it doesn't matter if the subject is work related, home related, relationship related, friend related, family related... it's all the same. all the time. it's no wonder i feel the way i do.
How can I change that? I can't. you might be able to, but I can't. it must be in the DNA because i've tried talking to my mother about it and nothing changes. the same goes with my sister. every argument we have had over the past few years is about the same exact thing. all it comes down to is me wanting to spend time with my family. but unbeknownst to me, that is apparently only on THEIR time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. however, apparently the only thing that seems to get my moms (or my sisters for the matter) attention is to throw a tantrum like a freaking 2 year old. i just want my own family. i want to do things my way and be the leader instead of the quiet girl in the corner.
until then,
megan
anyone who knows my family knows that it is absolutely no secret that my younger sister is favored for anything 9 times out of 10. I honestly think that if i did not work in the same building as my mother that i would never talk to her. hell, we work in the office next to each other and i am rarely able to talk to her. she never has time to talk to me, but will drop e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. the minute my sister or her husband calls. its absolutely ridiculous, not to mention the fact that its so heartbreaking. i've tried to tell me mother one story for over three weeks now. three weeks. but any time i try i'm either interrupted, or she's too busy. now, trying to call her at home.. that's even worse. you might as well call the white house and ask for the president because you will have a better chance at holding his attention.
i think this plays part in why i never want to talk about things. all of the time i just get blown off like whatever i am saying just doesn't matter. it's been that way for a looooong time. it doesn't matter if the subject is work related, home related, relationship related, friend related, family related... it's all the same. all the time. it's no wonder i feel the way i do.
How can I change that? I can't. you might be able to, but I can't. it must be in the DNA because i've tried talking to my mother about it and nothing changes. the same goes with my sister. every argument we have had over the past few years is about the same exact thing. all it comes down to is me wanting to spend time with my family. but unbeknownst to me, that is apparently only on THEIR time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. however, apparently the only thing that seems to get my moms (or my sisters for the matter) attention is to throw a tantrum like a freaking 2 year old. i just want my own family. i want to do things my way and be the leader instead of the quiet girl in the corner.
until then,
megan
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Every day is a new one.
They say every day is a new one
But I’m still stuck in yesterday
The clock moves forward
The calendar pages, too
But why can’t I let go?
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me
Or why I feel the way I do
Honesty, communication, love…
Those are the keys
Something is still missing
Is it too much to want more?
Am I asking for too much from you?
A simple conversation could make my day
Instead I ride along
Silent
Dreaming
Maybe tomorrow?
Every day is a new one
Keep on keepin on..
Ever find yourself completely just lost in everything around you? So lost that you can't even understand why you feel the way you do? I'm so lost that i'm turning to this blog that I have not touched since February. Where did things go off track? Why did I lose my love for writing? Why is it every time I have something to say I have no idea how to say it?
I'm not even sure what I am looking for or what I want to say. All around me things have gotten better. Joey and I have moved into our very own house, so the drama with the one who doesn't deserve to be called by name is over. Although I still hope she rots in hell and will probably laugh when her own daughter ends up pregnant or something because she has one of the laziest most selfish mothers i have ever met in my entire life. I should feel bad for saying that, but honestly i don't. You know what they say, karma is a bitch!
Anywho. Things are going great with the new house. But it still feels empty. I feel as if I'm there alone all the time. I feel like I have more conversations with our dogs than I do with humans. I feel like i try to make that aspect better, but words go in one ear and out the other. I'm not a materialistic person. I don't ask for much and I don't expect anything. But I feel like a toddler ready to throw a temper tantrum for attention. But I don't even know what kind of attention I am thriving for. I don't know what it is that I want or need. And the few things that I know would help.. well, let's just say you can only ask or express your feelings so many times before you realize no matter how hard you blow and blow and blow, that brick house is not going to come down.
How can you fix something when you don't even know what it is that needs to be fixed?
Since the move in August, things have been extremely busy and stressful. I felt like getting out of town was the best way to refresh. Lucky for me I had three trips planned in September and October. While each trip was fun, especially to New Orleans and a weekend with family in Middle Tennessee, the cloud still looms. In addition to going out of town to refresh, I have also been working on myself, trying to get myself back to "Happy Megan" the way I used to be. I've lost 18lbs so far and counting! Not even that seems to be enough anymore.
So I guess the question is what next? Well maybe that's why i decided to start writing again. I'm determined to get everything out of life that I can. I'm determined to do as much good as possible and help as many people as possible. But that may be my problem. Sometimes i wonder if i wallow in self pity because I don't let others help me. I'm always so worried about this person or this person that I never really stop and worry about myself. I'm starting to think that over time I have been so worried about making sure a certain person is happy that I have built up all this baggage inside and that's why I cannot really pinpoint one thing that is causing me to feel so down lately. I can flip that switch with the best of them and hide it all. I know that's not healthy to do but I guess you don't always realize you are doing it until the baggage is overflowing. I guess we will see what happens!
Until then.
Megan
I'm not even sure what I am looking for or what I want to say. All around me things have gotten better. Joey and I have moved into our very own house, so the drama with the one who doesn't deserve to be called by name is over. Although I still hope she rots in hell and will probably laugh when her own daughter ends up pregnant or something because she has one of the laziest most selfish mothers i have ever met in my entire life. I should feel bad for saying that, but honestly i don't. You know what they say, karma is a bitch!
Anywho. Things are going great with the new house. But it still feels empty. I feel as if I'm there alone all the time. I feel like I have more conversations with our dogs than I do with humans. I feel like i try to make that aspect better, but words go in one ear and out the other. I'm not a materialistic person. I don't ask for much and I don't expect anything. But I feel like a toddler ready to throw a temper tantrum for attention. But I don't even know what kind of attention I am thriving for. I don't know what it is that I want or need. And the few things that I know would help.. well, let's just say you can only ask or express your feelings so many times before you realize no matter how hard you blow and blow and blow, that brick house is not going to come down.
How can you fix something when you don't even know what it is that needs to be fixed?
Since the move in August, things have been extremely busy and stressful. I felt like getting out of town was the best way to refresh. Lucky for me I had three trips planned in September and October. While each trip was fun, especially to New Orleans and a weekend with family in Middle Tennessee, the cloud still looms. In addition to going out of town to refresh, I have also been working on myself, trying to get myself back to "Happy Megan" the way I used to be. I've lost 18lbs so far and counting! Not even that seems to be enough anymore.
So I guess the question is what next? Well maybe that's why i decided to start writing again. I'm determined to get everything out of life that I can. I'm determined to do as much good as possible and help as many people as possible. But that may be my problem. Sometimes i wonder if i wallow in self pity because I don't let others help me. I'm always so worried about this person or this person that I never really stop and worry about myself. I'm starting to think that over time I have been so worried about making sure a certain person is happy that I have built up all this baggage inside and that's why I cannot really pinpoint one thing that is causing me to feel so down lately. I can flip that switch with the best of them and hide it all. I know that's not healthy to do but I guess you don't always realize you are doing it until the baggage is overflowing. I guess we will see what happens!
Until then.
Megan
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