It has been a few months shy of four years since my blood clot & pulmonary ebmbolism chapter began, but i don't know if i can ever accept that it is a chapter that will never have an ending. it could have had an ending: death. Fortunately my time on this planet was obviously not up.
here i am today and through the eyes of a doctor, i am considered "healed". and by healed i mean there are no more blood clots in my leg or lungs, nor is there an immediate threat to make anyone believe they will return. well, medical degree or not, you can tell me 9 million times a day, make me write it on a chalkboard, or tattoo it across my face for me to read in the mirror every morning, and that still would not make one bit of difference for me.
the thoughts still come. the panic still comes. compression stockings to wear. the reminders are there daily. so why is it that the smallest abnormal pain in my leg (or could be anywhere) sends my anxiety into overload and the thoughts and fears return fresh as though the whole ordeal happened yesterday. a normal person doesn't go to bed at night with the last thought being something along the lines of "what may happen overnight" or "will i wake up tomorrow?". While most of the time these thoughts are just in passing, sometimes they are legitimately out of fear.
For almost two weeks now, my right leg (which i refer to as my "good leg" meaning the one not affected by clots previously) has been hurting in different places. Mostly above and around my ankle. and no, i have not done anything to injur it. The aching seems to wander sometimes from my ankle through my calf and sometimes there is an aching in my hip. My calf and ankle are the worst. And after two straight days, panic started to set in. As someone who has had my fare share of sports injuries through the years, "normal megan" wouldn't think twice about these aches. but "anxiety megan" doesn't really leave room for discussion.
I literally am causing myself to almost hallucinate that my calf and or ankle is swelling abnormally and freak out. even if i am staring at it and know it is not, i will literally check it every five minutes just to make sure. Almost OCD like. In fact, i don't know if it is even possible, but i almost feel like i have adapted OCD tendencies over these past few years. The worst is if i have to do things that actually do affect my leg. (i.e. anything involving lots of walking,standing,running,driving,dancing, etc.) i *know* my left leg is supposed to swell a little and always will, but i seriously am imagining that my right leg is swelling as well! its getting ridiculous!
these aches are honestly probably nothing more than all my old injuries catching up to me and is probably being caused by the weather changes lately. there is no swelling. no bruises. no cuts. nothing. yet panic sets in regardless. and when i say panic, i don't mean like a flash or a wave of emotion that comes and goes. i'm talking breathing stops, chest tightens, physical pain in my chest and ribs, and depending on the day sometimes a headache. it comes on in an instant and requires immediate attention. Most of the time i am in situations where handling it is no problem. i just have to allow myself to breathe and take a couple of pills and wait for them to kick in. i've gotten so used to it that usually i can handle the instant "whoosh", as i call it, and sometimes fight through it for a little while and take some medicine when i can. But sometimes its so prevalent that it is extremely hard to ignore!
"it gets better with time" is one of my most hated sayings. because it's not true. it doesn't get better, it just becomes another normalcy of your day to day life and you deal with it. some days are worse than others. one of the hardest parts is not having anyone that really understands.. "oh i've had a panic attack before so I understand".. no offense, but no you don't. your whole perspective on life changes when something like this happens to a person. i guess that would be why it is called "post traumatic stress disorder". No one warned me that the "post traumatic" part can last a lot longer (YEARS longer) than the days/weeks/months immediately following your incident. sigh..
i have always been a believer of "everything happens for a reason". i guess this happened to me for a reason, i just hope that one day i find out what it is. Maybe it was just a test of personal strength to show myself that i am stronger than i was giving myself credit for.. Who knows.. I just know it is a sucky situation dealing with this anxiety and i have serious respect for others who also have to endure something similar.
Until then,
megan
No comments:
Post a Comment