Ever find yourself completely just lost in everything around you? So lost that you can't even understand why you feel the way you do? I'm so lost that i'm turning to this blog that I have not touched since February. Where did things go off track? Why did I lose my love for writing? Why is it every time I have something to say I have no idea how to say it?
I'm not even sure what I am looking for or what I want to say. All around me things have gotten better. Joey and I have moved into our very own house, so the drama with the one who doesn't deserve to be called by name is over. Although I still hope she rots in hell and will probably laugh when her own daughter ends up pregnant or something because she has one of the laziest most selfish mothers i have ever met in my entire life. I should feel bad for saying that, but honestly i don't. You know what they say, karma is a bitch!
Anywho. Things are going great with the new house. But it still feels empty. I feel as if I'm there alone all the time. I feel like I have more conversations with our dogs than I do with humans. I feel like i try to make that aspect better, but words go in one ear and out the other. I'm not a materialistic person. I don't ask for much and I don't expect anything. But I feel like a toddler ready to throw a temper tantrum for attention. But I don't even know what kind of attention I am thriving for. I don't know what it is that I want or need. And the few things that I know would help.. well, let's just say you can only ask or express your feelings so many times before you realize no matter how hard you blow and blow and blow, that brick house is not going to come down.
How can you fix something when you don't even know what it is that needs to be fixed?
Since the move in August, things have been extremely busy and stressful. I felt like getting out of town was the best way to refresh. Lucky for me I had three trips planned in September and October. While each trip was fun, especially to New Orleans and a weekend with family in Middle Tennessee, the cloud still looms. In addition to going out of town to refresh, I have also been working on myself, trying to get myself back to "Happy Megan" the way I used to be. I've lost 18lbs so far and counting! Not even that seems to be enough anymore.
So I guess the question is what next? Well maybe that's why i decided to start writing again. I'm determined to get everything out of life that I can. I'm determined to do as much good as possible and help as many people as possible. But that may be my problem. Sometimes i wonder if i wallow in self pity because I don't let others help me. I'm always so worried about this person or this person that I never really stop and worry about myself. I'm starting to think that over time I have been so worried about making sure a certain person is happy that I have built up all this baggage inside and that's why I cannot really pinpoint one thing that is causing me to feel so down lately. I can flip that switch with the best of them and hide it all. I know that's not healthy to do but I guess you don't always realize you are doing it until the baggage is overflowing. I guess we will see what happens!
Until then.
Megan
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